Phasing...

It has been awhile since my last post and a lot has taken place and even more has changed.

I am 25 and even though i am half way through my 20's i still find myself wondering who I am. I am not sure if i should have this all figured out yet or how long it will take but apart of me knows it will be a lifetime till i know the answer to that question... Who am I?

I have many identities yet i am not fully secure in any of them... In all of them i am still growing. Maybe that is what life is, always growing.

I am now a mom of 2! Harper is almost 20 months (over a 1 1/2) and Maggie is going to be 3 months on March 13th. I think this has been the most challenging time in my life thus far. Transitioning from a life that revolved around ME; my wants & my needs, to a life revolving around my family and consumed by my children. Which leads to me to question even more than ever Who I am.

Who is Dena, what does she want from life, where does she want to go, and when does she want to take a shower? ha ha

Life: the process of finding ones self while breathing.

The lesson of Chan

Wow, i really don't know where to start. I guess first of all today is the anniversary of Chan's (my brother) death in 1999. Hard to believe that it has been 11 years since then and i am still growing old and time and changes are never ceasing. Not a day goes by that i don't wish he were here or wonder what he would be like today. I try not to dwell too much on those thoughts because the reality is he is gone and that has been something i have had to come to terms with throughout the years. When people we love pass away we are plagued with so many what ifs or i should haves, i don't think there is ever anyone that really feels they have said all they could say or has done everything they feel they could have done. It has taken me sometime to understand that what has happened has happened and that analyzing what i could have, should have done wont bring him back. 11 years later i have learned to take it as a lesson. A lesson to love and appreciate, to say things when they need to be said no matter how vulnerable saying them may leave you. to let people you love know that you care and love them. Let them know how they have blessed your life, and BE THERE when they are in need. Be honest with them through good and bad, even when the honesty could jeopardize your relationship. Love them enough to fight them. There are no words that i could say that would bring justice to how Chan, his life and his death, have affected my life. I believe that the person Chan was will forever be apart of who i am, and has played apart of who i have become and who i am becoming. I hope i make him proud.

In Memory of,

Channing (Chan) Gene Trowbridge

(2/19/77-5/12/99)

A Gift from GOD?

This week thus far has been interesting... i don't even know if there are words to describe the emotional roller-coster that i feel like it has been.

No matter how hard it has been or even how much it may seem i have blown it out of proportion, God is good.

Sometimes my perspective on things can make a situation into something that it isn't. This week granted hard, was a blessing and i know just another step in the refining process.

I am Happy with the outcome that God has given me and though it is not the easiest outcome, it is a blessing... Please pray for me.

If you feel like you are in the dark about what i am talking about... don't worry you will know soon enough. Please do not come up with your own theories... just be patient and when the storm has passed i will gladly share with everyone...

Sometimes we don't understand, But God's will is perfect, and so beyond US.

If he has put it before me, i can endure it.

Strength

Today has been a rough day.... and although i don't really want to talk about the details... I am finding strength to keep myself together. and am actually enjoying the day with my beautiful son. Today i am taking a break from my phone which might make some people worry, but don't, i am ok. Sometimes things come along and shake you up and sometimes things don't happen the way you want then to or that you think they should... but i know that the Lord knows what He is doing and i find comfort in that. With that comfort i find strength to keep going day by day, problem by problem, and heartache by heartache...

* Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of.
Jonathan Swift

HE Loves Me

Good Morning! I think this just might be the most i have blogged in a two week period... i am trying to be consistent.

Last night was Harper's first night trying to sleep in his crib. he hasn't slept in it since he was like 4 months old. When he learned to roll over it made sleeping in the crib difficult for him and has spent the last 4 - 5 months sleeping in his car seat... interesting i know.

Well he did sleep a little but woke up crying hysterically every 1-2 hours... So i didn't sleep much. When i woke up this morning, be it to a crying baby... i was still quite tired and a little cranky... but proud he had made it through the night! I hope the the next few nights will get easier and easier for both him and me!

Am I boring you yet? Sorry if i am.

As we both got up, Harper got dressed and i got coffee... when the daylight started to peak through the window i couldn't help but notice how beautiful it was outside and that turned my thoughts to God. He loves me. i know this... even when i am a mess, when i am an irritable, tested and frustrated mom... and feel like i can't do it anymore... He loves me.

I am so thankful that today i exist and can enjoy this day that God has made I will rejoice and be GLAD in it... at least i will try my best. :)

Night #2 in the crib... bring it on!

Refining

It has been a year since i have written a blog which is far too long i decided.
A lot has happened. I have changed and am changing everyday. Hopefully becoming who God created me to be-- More like Christ.
I am a mom now and being so has drastically changed my life. What dreams i had in the past have withered away and new ones sprouted in their place. My desire is to raise my son to be a godly man and to be someone who knows how to respect people young and old, and especially how to treat a woman, that is now my dream and a dream in which i am pursuing everyday. I have put school on hold for a time and am not employed either... our society would say that i am not contributing... but i am. i am contributing to the KINGDOM. Not the kingdom we call America but to the KINGDOM OF GOD! Harper is a gift given to me from God... one in which i am only borrowing for a time. God has entrusted me to raise him to know and love the LORD. Harper is the greatest blessing in my life apart from my Husband Lawrence. Watching him grow everyday and seeing what new things he has learned to do is a satisfaction i could not explain in words. Seeing his bravery as he tries new things like standing up for the first time even though he fell afterwards, he tried again, and again... he teaches me each and everyday to not give up-- to be brave. I am learning to be more confident and am learning to step out even though i may fall... and not to stop there or give up, but to get up and try again.

I am finding that motherhood is challenging and it is tests my limits everyday. I am still trying to adjust to my new life as MOM and moving away from the old ways of ME ME ME. Now i am learning SELFLESSNESS. Motherhood it is also the most fulling thing in my life thus far and i am excited to see the man Harper becomes and am ready to love him no matter what!
Just as Christ has loved us.

This time i say is a time in which i am being refined. i have been put through the furnace and hopefully i come out pure as gold. I will never be perfect and i can except that. also i can except that those around me will never be perfect. All i can do is continue forward each day, step by baby step... that is all i can do. i think we are all in every season being refined. from situation to situation... Hopefully we allow the refiner to do His work...

in the end and through it all we come out better than we were going into the fire... like gold.

You are the LIGHT of the world...

As 2010 makes its way i can't help but reflect on the year that is already behind me. When i look back i can't believe how much has happened! i have said over and over again to my Husband that this has been the hardest year of my life. i was pregnant for most of it which i must say was interesting and then i felt the chaos of being a new parent and having no clue what to do... IT WAS TIME TO GROW UP. even though i already considered myself to be mature and responsible there is nothing that makes you really grow up and put away selfishness like having a child! i found that it was no longer about just me and what i wanted it is now about Harper and making sure i provide him with the best atmosphere and love and everything he needs to grow up to be holistically healthy as an adult.
After the child chaos i started having very bad pains in the upper right part of my abdomen near my ribs... well the pain got sooo bad that it landed me in the ER and then got me in a hospital bed for the week and resulted in gallbladder surgery. i am thankful to God that i had a fast recovery and was able to be back to the usual within a couple days.
Nothing seemed to be normal in my life and after having a year of my body constantly changing and then my life as well... i desperately needed something stable... In this year, i have found that God is so GOOD, a rock, and He works good for all that love Him. i can't help but feel resolved as i write this knowing what is behind me and all that i have overcome in this year, and seeing what's ahead... A NEW YEAR. I am so thankful for my son Harper he is such a blessing to my life and would not trade him for anything. my new years resolution has many facets and there are many things i want to do and goals i want to reach but above all i want to be a LIGHT--to be a testimony and witness to God's goodness.!